The Gift of Goodbye: What’s Blood Got to Do With It?

Blood is thicker than water. Blood over everything. Family will always be there for you. You can always count on family…..We have heard all of these before and these statements are usually embedded into us for as long as we can remember. It is an obligation to never be questioned, until you realize that it is the question you should have asked all along.

But….what if family isn’t there, or over everything? What happens when it is broken? What happens when your core relationships are toxic to the point of your mental health? Let’s take a journey through my life and how I overcame on the other side to freedom.

The Journey: A bit about my background. My father had sickle cell and according my mom, had given her strong advice about needing to be able to support herself when he died. So, she joined the army when I was about five or six. For awhile, I stayed with him, but he was not able to care for me. He died when I was eight. After a brief stint with a maternal aunt, I was sent to live with a family who knew my mother- but were complete strangers to me. I lived there until the second semester of my senior year of high school. Throughout my childhood, I only physically saw my mother when there was a funeral (two or three, I think) and for my high school graduation. I spoke with her on the phone about once a week or so.

Needless to say, my core relationships were broken. I grew up thinking that I was not enough….pretty enough, smart enough, and/or well behaved enough to have people who truly loved me because if I could be loved, why would I have been left behind with strangers? I used to dream of being rescued out of my situation. This bred a high level of insecurity, abandonment, and rejection along with all of the issues that come along with that. That’s a story for another day.

Generally speaking, most of the anger and hurt was suppressed until I became a young adult. Growing up in poverty and the struggle to get out of terrible situations are battles of survival; we do not necessarily have the time or energy to explore our feelings no matter how necessary. The biggest revelations, breakthroughs, and growth began when I became pregnant with my firstborn. Something clicked, and the repressed memories came rushing in like a huge wave of water. I tell you what, the brain’s ability to protect you and keep you in survival is unmatched. It was time to deal with it and not pass it down to the next generation. This would NOT be their portion.

With my mother, it was on and off again, because of the reasons mentioned in the beginning. I mean, hey, the Bible says honor thy father and thy mother, right? More on that later. Our phone calls would leave me devastated and my mood would shift. My husband noticed it. My friends noticed it. As a matter of fact- they helped point it out. An early example: When I became pregnant with my son, the FIRST thing she said was, “Pregnant? Don’t ask me for any help.” Y’all, I was in love with Terrey and I had a job with insurance. I retorted with a “Well, I only plan on asking those who raised their own.” She called me a b@#%! and hung up the phone. I cried for quite a while..Why was I so unloved, unneeded, unworthy?!? I would have cut her off then if it wasn’t for Terrey’s mom under the guise of “that’s your mother, LaQuetta.” I just needed her to be a grandmother and thought it would be a great way to bridge the gap. But it was never meant to be. To break me was one thing; I understood. We know that pain and issues are generational. I know that her childhood was not optimal and in some ways destructive too. But, when you know better, you should do better. Move forward with change. Understanding that factor made forgiveness swift for me when it came to the past. But, it is my responsibility to protect myself and my children from repeating the cycle; with or without her. Note: Forgiveness does not mean that you continue the cycle or that you give the offending person automatically access to your life. Forgiveness is a reconciliation of the past, but should not be an immediate invitation to your future. In the beginning, when I had the time and means to visit my mom, she acted like a doting grandmother. But when that changed, I spent years trying to convince her to visit us and establish relationships with the children. She visited us once in Arizona when my daughter was about six months old. I am not sure my children remember their grandmother visiting. Her turning my offers of visitation down(on my dime) saying that she didn’t have time. And yet, in the same week, sending me photos of her on vacation. She accused me of flying her out to my home as a way of controlling her. The truth was not sinister. It was simply economical to fly her out than for the four of us to travel to her. Additionally, it would give her insight into their daily lives. If my children walked past her today, she would not know it was them. A terrible, but unfortunate truth. Looking back, I feel foolish for letting it go on as long as it did. But my vision for family kept me going. Additionally, that’s the power of parental and familial connection. Let me tell you something, parental wounds are real and can break you if you do not escape.

I have lost myself in so many relationships. This was a root of my brokenness- the quest to prove myself worthy and lovable. It continued until I began to realize that I had to first love myself. The root of the issue was the fact that I needed to understand that I did not need to prove that I was lovable or worthy. I needed to be my authentic self and trust that love would follow. For decades, I tried to prove to others that I was lovable. My mindset was toxic and unhealthy; I constantly worried about my actions. I constantly agonized myself to the point of anxiety. It changed when I became tired. Tired of chasing relationships. Tired of bending with NO real reconciliation. Tired of never being truly understood. Just. Tired. The old adage and definition of insanity was ringing like a tower bell. I had to stop doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

Last year, I released myself from my mother. Aside from the first six years of my life, she had no real parental responsibility for me- emotional, spiritual, financial, or otherwise. What’s crazy is that she had the expectations of a mother that had always been there. As a mother myself, this hit home. Would I want my children to speak about me like this? This point constantly aggravated me, but I let it go, until I was done. This is one of the key reasons why it went on so long. It was my own toxicity; I had projected my relationship with my own children onto the relationship with her. The past decade has been a reflective, healing period for me. It was this year that I had the clearance and courage to release her. The final incident wasn’t super traumatic, it was like a feather landing on the wobbly side of an already tethering and overloaded scale. It was enough to bring finality. It is rare that I use the words- I am done. But when I have, there is no going back because I have done all that is required of me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have made my peace and it is over. I love myself to enough to have peace.

The Process: In 2008, I started my degree in Counseling. If you have taken any Counseling classes, you know that the first thing that happens is that you counsel yourself. The coursework is designed to make you see yourself, to know your weaknesses and strengths. The purpose is to ensure that you do not project your foolishness unto others. If you are diligent in this process, healing and understanding is present. As a result, it makes you very self aware. It took me eight years to finish; longer than my initial bachelors and master degrees combined.

What I learned:

Focus on who and what you can change, which is yourself.

We have to choose to be a victim or a victor.

Self-reflection is important for your happiness. It is okay to walk away from anything and anyone with no explanation needed. Because of my own pain, I sabotaged a lot of relationships during my 20s and early 30s.

Observe the energy that you are putting into relationships. Evaluate all relationships. Reciprocity is important. It is not about giving to get; it is about both people caring enough to give the relationship the energy it needs to thrive.

If I choose to be a victor, I have to take ownership. To quote Christine Maziarz: “You are 100% responsible for the relationships in your life.” This is not an easy pill to swallow, but it is the right one.

Photo Credit: Christine Maziarz, Empty Nest Coach

Boundaries are the bedrock of mental health. You have a right to your feelings, you are enough, and nobody has to agree with you.

The boundary of continued silence is the best line of defense.

If you do decide to engage with a toxic person, set ground rules when dealing with them. For my example above, I set a permanent silence. For an aunt, I recognized a pattern. She became ignorant after 15 minutes. It was then that I would discontinue the call. For a toxic and manipulative supervisor, I only speak on required matters and do not engage in small talk. The point is for them to get you talking and then they bust in to continue the toxic cycle.

You are responsible for your happiness.

Recognize that separating from family members is not a new concept. You are not alone. Well meaning people will judge you. Try to take it in stride; especially if you know that they have great relationships with their family. These people do not generally recognize that getting away from a toxic family member is a type of mental survival. It takes a tremendous amount of courage, confidence, and fight to obtain the gift of goodbye and ultimately, your freedom and peace.

Walking away is a sign of strength and does not denote failure.

It was important to me to walk the walk because I have children and influence in the lives of many. What does my life say if I allow toxicity?

People pleasing is toxic.

Toxic people do NOT self reflect.

Toxic people do NOT have boundaries, but you need to have some if you expect to overcome.

Toxic people are manipulative, controlling, and need deliverance.

The last, but most important factor was to lean into the family that God built for me. I have accountability partners, Kingdom connections, and a network of friends who are sisters and brothers.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Build your family.

It is NOT easy. You will need help. It took me eight years to make the decision to release my mother. It took this long in spite of the fact that I’ve known for quite awhile that the relationship was not healthy or productive and was having a negative impact on my mental health. Some days were debilitating. I felt like Dory in Finding Nemo… “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..” Keep moving forward. Let your loved ones help.

The God Factor: This concept can be especially difficult when it comes to people who believe in God and want to be right in the eyes of the Lord. God was with me throughout the entire time. At the beginning, I felt the Holy Spirit telling me, “You are NOT a victim.” When I struggled with cussing her out or acting a fool, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I had people who loved me. The Holy Spirit encouraged me to accept who my birth mother was in my life and to shift my focus to those who had mothered me along the way. As my mind shifted and flashed back, I am grateful that I had the opportunity to thank all of them. Often I would recall the honor your father and mother part of scripture. Many of you would wonder how to reconcile the scripture in Ephesians 6:2 that tells us to honor our father and mother. If you continue to read down the same chapter in Ephesians to verse 4, you will understand that God never sent parents to provoke their children to wrath. To provoke someone to wrath is not a quick thing or weak thing. Wrath is apocalyptic; it takes a lot to bring a person to wrath. You cancel your honor when you provoke wrath. Forgiveness and honor is not a permanent submission or tolerance for toxic and/or abusive parental authority. The Holy Spirit reminded me of my Kingdom family status outlined in Matthew 10:35–38. I prayed constantly. The Holy Spirit told me earlier last year, that I would have to let her go. I thought I was out of my mind, honestly. Terrey would confirm what the Holy Spirit said and so would the sister friends I told. So, I wrote it in my journal and left it, knowing that I would know the time. Sure enough, it became crystal clear. Once it was done, there was a peace that could not be explained, but it was welcomed. Over the past year, I have been questioned, but stood my ground. The first time I was questioned, I wavered, but after that- I felt strong enough to stand in the solid place of my decision. Many do not get to question me, because I have a system in place and folks that the Holy Spirit sent to do that- but I answered this person because of the respect I had for them.

There are two scriptures that come to mind when dealing with folks and their toxicity. The first is Romans 12:18, which states: “If it be possible, as far as depends on you, living in peace with all men.” Peaceably can mean far away and not in contact. The second is Matthew 11:12, which states: “And from the days of John the Baptist until now the Kingdom of heaven sufferers violence, and the violent take it by force.” Something in you has to rise up and be relentless in taking your peace and mental health back.

To know me, is to know that I am believer of forgiveness and reconciliation. The door to reconcile is always open, but there are conditions. It cannot be a simple, “I am sorry” or “My bad, bruh.” It is going to take some consistent action, starting with a conversation about what has happened in the past and the plan moving forward to avoid repeating those same issues. I believe in leading with love AND wisdom. I have a vision of family that is honestly amazing in itself after all that I have been through. However, my definition of family is different; it resembles what has been outlined in Matthew 10. The Holy Spirit told me that we would always build own family in accordance with our Kingdom mandate; it would include some family members- but not all. The emphasis was for us to make peace with it. We have.

Conclusion: What’s blood got to do with it? Our birth families should be our source of stability and strength. Those first 18 years or so will set a solid foundation of something. I once heard someone say that it took them a lifetime to overcome their childhood. That does not have to be your portion. It will not be our family. If this article describes your situation, know that you are not alone. There is a tribe that belongs to you and they are waiting on you. You are important and you are loved. You do not have to take the hand you were dealt, but you can use it to catapult you into your place of destiny. Your entire life, good and bad, makes you who you are. Although I have experienced some severe pain, it has worked out for my good and I take this opportunity to reach back to strengthen you to move forward and out of toxic relationships. Give yourself the gift of peace, the gift of love, and the gift of true freedom by identifying and eliminating toxic relationships. May this article propel you into making the key to changes in your life and seeing your way to freedom.